Common Muntings 0:7 - Affording Cigarettes

So mate, you've had a look in ya smoke box only to see that the mothafucka is empty. What do you do in this situation you may be wondering? Well, that's a fucking excellent question mate because it honestly still baffles me from time to time. Like, for the price of a pack of cigarettes now you could get a weeks worth of shopping... or maybe a few days with how fucked the prices are getting overall. Either way, my question is what the fuck am i actually paying for? Like i get that tobacco companies need to make a living by giving all of their best customers cancer, but i just can't come at 50-120 dollars for like 25 small cylinders of dried leaf. Realistically, they could pump them bitches out for like 10 cents each. Remember 60 years ago when a pack of smokes was less than one fucking dollar? Because i do mate, and let me tell you right now... Those were the days mate.

Much like the Call Of Duty Black Ops 3 campaign, it just doesn't make a whole of fucking sense now does it? The fines for getting caught growing a plant of tobacco in comparison to that of a marijuana plant is really just crazy. Some tobacco plants can land you a nice $412,000 fine and 20-40 years of prison but weed gets you a slap on the wrist? Like what the fuck mate?

And, you can't tell me that they seriously need any of those fucking toxic chemicals in there. You know, the ones they use in petrol or to preserve dead bodies at the fucking morgue dog. "Noooo but it's good for the taste and it preserves them"

Bullshit man. It's just to make us all addicted and sick so the medical industry can profit majorly. That's it mate. Simple as really.

And mate, it fucking sucks because everything is totally better with a cigarette. Getting slapped in the face by the long dick of cancer might just be one of those gambles man. It's all fine until it's "whoops i have lung cancer and now i have to cook meth".

Let's not forget how much control the tobacco companies have over the market though. Back in the day, the ciggy commercials ruled the TV mate. The Marlboro man was somehow seen as the ultimate male for smoking and riding around on a horse like he's Arthur Morgan or something. And then, this old dog named Richard Nixon swooped right the fuck in and banned ciggy ads on them TV waves. So the tobacco companies found sneakier ways to advertise their ciggiez. Like sponsoring football games and having their logos all over the fucking oval or having Superman get thrown through a Marlboro truck. Just small things that still gave them that air time. They also made it illegal for anyone to grow tobacco obviously. Even though it grew wildly for thousands of years, if not millions. Same as weed. For no reason. Why? Is what i want to know.

So, how do you get ciggiez with 0 dosh? Let old Soolee tell ya buddy. It helps if you can find money (so so fucking obviously) but if you can't that's okay, you'll just have to keep in mind that you will probably get nothing and cry yourself to bed that night.

Step 1: Actually leave your room and go outside for once. Upon doing so, find the nearest train station. This is where many future lung cancer patients tend to hang out apparently. Approach one casually or try and sit near them so you can strike up a conversation. They will like you more if you small talk a bit first and pretend to give a shit about their waffling. When they pause for their daily breath of air, or to have another ciggy drag, THIS is when you ask.

Step 2: If step 1 fails, they are a dickhead and you never liked them anyway. Begin visually scouring the ground and gutters for half smoked cigarette butts. They're always in stock and are a great appetiser if you get me.

Step 3: If that fails, reach into your nearest bin and look for an empty cigarette box. Usually they contain a few tobacco crumbs down the bottom. Not very filling but great if you feeling a bit African up in it.

Step 4: Ask a friend who smokes for some ciggy love. If they decline this, they fucking hate you and there's just no sugarcoating it i'm afraid. Yoy gotta nick 'em when they go for a piss. If for some reason, they take the cigarettes to the toilet... I'm sorry to say that not only is it too late for them because they're 100% getting lung cancer but, we both fucking know piss smokes are NOT worth it. Not unless you are Gus Fck Schulz.

Step 5: If you're up to this step, you are one miserable motherfucker right now. I know that feeling. So that's why you're gonna fucking steal some mate. Yep! Just take some from wherever you can and pray for the best buddy. Also praise me (Soolee Gertrude) when you steal them as this has proven to help millions.

Step 6: If all of these steps fail, fuck you. My steps were amazing. Literally the best how-to ever written in our human history, or otherwise. If you can't appreciate that then what world are we really living in here guys? Not coo.