4TH Testament Introduction

HEY GUYS!!! What the fuck is happening with you today? Cool, don't care. This is the introduction to my book, The 4th Testament. This is of course, the newest version of the bible to exist and therefore the best and most accurate out of any of them ever at any point in human history... ever. And, what this means is that you have to follow the advice and rules in this book. If you don't mate, that's a sin, i'll chuck you in the bin, you gonna be fin. I'm a lyrical genius you don't have to tell me. I see your fingers typing out a lovely comment about me but i'm going to have to ask you to humbly keep it to yourself... you know, until you finish reading. Reading this paragraph at least.

Ooh, am i done with the paragraph?

Am i?

AM I????

See that's just my level of genius that i work at around here on a daily basis, you know? Maybe you don't. Maybe that's why you're reading this book of mine. Finding those answers you so desire in life. Well you can rest easy tonight knowing that Soolee Gertrude has all the answers in life, just waiting here in my pants and brain for you all.

So, you might be wondering why i'm calling this 4th Testament a book when in fact, it seems to be a post on a shitty online forum made by a little blue rhino that thinks he's famous. The reason it's labelled as a book is because it will be printed one day and put on bookshelves around the globe, and even other planets. But to have text to put in the book in the first place, i have to write it out mate. Pretty simple innit?

I'm really glad we could clear this up. I was starting to think you were dropped on your head a little bit as a kid maybe but i think it was just my first response to you.

And, you may be wondering who the fuck i am too. Or why i'm even qualified to be writing any of this in the first place. I'll tell you why i'm the MOST qualified person to write the newest Testament today. I'll do a nice little dot point thing if Guspace actually fucking lets me.

• I am over 200+ years old and have vast knowledge and powers.

• I dated Ghandi.

• I'm trapped in the body of a Chinese baby but am kinda a god frfr.

• I cook really good bacon.

• I am the smartest person i know and i know everyone because i'm Soolee Gertrude.

• I am awesome.

• I am funny.

• I am rich.

• I am famous.

• Went to space.

• Started a cult just to get enough money to buy a house away from my ex.

• Opened a nightclub in 1989.

• Burnt down a nightclub in 1989.

• I am sexy.

I hope these reasons are able to provide you all with the insight needed to understand what the rest of this book will entail. This was just the introduction very fucking obviously, so next time you better get ya reading glasses on mate. No excuses dick whoppa.

• Soolee Gertrude